Motherhood: My Raw, Unfiltered Truth

Photo by Emily Anne Photography

I didn’t want kids. If you asked me when I first got married, I would say I wasn’t sure if I wanted kids. I didn’t think I was “mom” material.

I did want family though. I love family, traditions, and gatherings. I love my family — I’m very close to my parents and brother and our very large extended family. But kids of my own? I wasn’t sure I could be a mom, a good mom.

My mom is amazing. She was patient and kind to us. She’d wake me up slowly every morning, knowing I would probably be grumpy. Even when I’d lash out at her, she rarely lost it with me. My mom took us to church and showed us the love of Jesus, not religion. Now, she’s an amazing, still so selfless, grandma. She gives of herself always. She’s a natural mother.

Me on the other hand: I have a temper. I’m selfish with my time and space. How could I be a mom, a good mom? I’m going to ruin them, I thought.

But God helps us in our weakness. He began to put the desire to start a family with my husband, so two years after Anthony and I got married, we had Ethan.

I love Ethan so much. He made me a mom, but those early days were extremely rough. People talk about that connection you feel with your baby. I didn’t. They talk about the bond. I didn’t feel anything. I felt like a cow, being milked to provide for this baby. Does he even know who I am? I exclusively pumped for one year; at the time, it was just what I felt I had to do. It was time consuming, but I didn’t question it. I was becoming a mother.

And through my journey with Ethan, I learned a lot.

I learned I have a temper. I’m selfish with my time and space. Haha. I’m being honest here; It was not easy giving myself up for this newborn. It was hard. I cried a lot.

It was an adjustment to say the least. But God helped me. I have an amazing husband as well.

Now Ethan is a strong-willed, smart, affectionate, wild, beautiful almost 4-year-old boy who loves going to church, learning, and playing with others. Almost 4… Cue the tears.

As I write this, I’m holding Andrew, baby boy number two. The second time around is a bit easier, but it’s still hard; this time, the difficulties just look a little different. This time, I’m breastfeeding, and so far, he’s on me for an HOUR during feedings. It’s bittersweet. I’m not complaining. I love that I get to experience this new journey. I feel more of that bond this time. I’m so grateful. But it’s still hard lol.

Andrew is calm, peaceful, and attached lol. I’m focused on enjoying him and the time we are able to have together.

And before Andrew, my motherhood journey included loss. Yet again, a different challenge. I had a miscarriage, and it changed me. It challenged me. It shook my faith, but my foundation remained Jesus, and so I overcame the pit of depression I know the enemy had waiting for me. Through this experience, I grew much deeper in my trust in God. He is sovereign and present even in the darkest valley.

Read my miscarriage story

This is my motherhood story. It’s not pretty. I wish I felt like a natural born mom. I admire the friends I have who are that. But I also thank God for my story, and hope it encourages someone who may feel like this. God helps us in our weakness (Romans 8:26). He is the author and perfecter of our faith and story (Hebrews 12:2). His plans are higher and his ways are greater (Isaiah 55:8). When we trust in God, he is able to do far more abundantly what we could ever ask or imagine (Ephesians 3:20).

I will be sharing more motherhood content on my Instagram in celebration of Mother’s Day and a motherhood session giveaway! Stay tuned and follow me @mcphotographysatx !

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